I sat on the couch quietly, in a daze, sliding my feet in and out of my Guess Syria leather pumps. For some reason, that slight motion was sending calm sensations to my brain at a time when the only thing I wanted to do was freakout and cry for hours and hours.
It almost seemed surreal what had just happened. Had I really just told him that I love him? And had he really responded with, “I love… Her”? Talk about not your fairy tale response, right?
Instead of replaying that memory in my head, I just kept sliding my feet in and out of my shoes. Only, the more I did, what was once my calming mechanism encouraged my first pang of pain. I literally saw visions of him stabbing me in the heart with the same 4 inch heels that were hanging onto my feet. That’s what he’d done to me.
It took him less than 30 seconds, but in that time, my complete existence had changed. I’d stood before him, a woman impassioned, filled with love and hope for the future. I was finally going to tell the man of my dreams that he put a smile on my face just by someone mentioning his name. That all I needed was a call from him and my day was better. That the thought of being with someone for the rest of my life was exciting and not scary when I plugged him into the equation. That I could see the day that God and all of our family and friends would bless our union when I looked in his eyes.
I stood before him with love.
But moments later, I stood before him… stunned. changed. incomplete.
And now I was on the couch. I was on the couch, broken, with only my shoes to try and comfort me. And now those shoes were being used in my head to signify the pain I felt. Feeling suddenly constricted, I swiftly took the shoes off for good and threw them across the room. The sight of them, like the sight of him, now sickened me.
Barefoot and broken, I walked to my room and stood before my closet. I needed some new shoes to represent my new transition; to what he’d brought me to. At first looking for black ones, I rummaged through the hundreds laying there, waiting to be picked… until I saw my BCBG Ariel Satin Printed peep toe pumps. No need to be sad, they reminded me. Whatever God had for me would be for me… and until He was ready to give him to me, I would walk in new shoes now.
I’m walking in new shoes now
I got a new song to sing
When I walk in the room every head turns
Every eye is on me
Too bad you’re not here to see it
And by the time you get this
I’ll be so long gone and far
I’ll send you a postcard